My Worries And Concerns

Part 1

Because I’m young, I worry about making older people feel envious that they are no longer young. If some older person said that modern technology was not clever, I’d be too scared to say that I like it in case it displeases that person. What I would say, is that I just want the old people to understand that the kind of technology that wasn’t around in their young day, like with downloads for example, is not designed to make their lives more difficult, and that it’s just progress, though I do understand that it just doesn’t have the same kind of excitement as the kind of technology that was around when they were young, so they can’t relate to liking it, but it’s not really aimed at people like them.

Part 2

I’ve always hated people getting the wrong idea of me. I would stare at pretty girls, but again I wouldn’t because I’m worried that they might look at me in disgust like they think I’m trying to pull them, something that I would never ever do, besides which I’m better off being single for the time being, and also that they would look at me in a smug way like they know something about me and that’s the type of rejection I’m scared of the most. I’ve had that worry for some years now which is why I can’t go out on a regular basis.

What My Brain Is Telling Me Sometimes

I’m deeply concerned that any teenager or young person looking at this might take offence because I wouldn’t live it down if they do. When I see a teenager or young person walking by, I instantly assume they’re disapproving of everyone, and it causes me to feel like I’m encountering disapproval from them despite having not met them and they stick in my head too easily. I suppose if I didn’t have this problem, I probably would be able to go out more often than I do.

I also have this thing for facial expressions on people. I sometimes assume people are cross when they’re not and that’s with people I don’t know very well. I feel like I can read people’s minds and that I can tell what they’re thinking. I have that with young women and older people because my brain is telling me that the young women are disapproving of all men and the older people are disapproving of young people, negative criticism wise for everything they do which is why I’m never 100% content.

Another thing is I’m constantly assuming that a lot of relationships between young couples are strained. I think it’s because I’ve come across that sort of thing in programmes on the telly in the past and I think that’s what makes me assume it. When I see a young couple walk by, my brain is telling me that the wife or girlfriend is annoyed with the husband or boyfriend, and when I’m out and I see a young man or woman talking on their mobile phone, I instantly assume that they’re having an argument with their partner on it, even though I know I never can tell if they are or not, but then again I have to keep an open mind.

I know for a fact that the vast majority of the people in the world are very nice because my Mum told me several times, though I do have this problem where if I see someone around my age group or younger out walking, I instantly assume that they’re probably not very nice, and that I feel like I’m constantly coming across the small minority of the people in this world who are not very nice, but I think it’s my Autism that’s making me think that, and I know for a fact that the people who I come across who are out walking are not like that at all.

All this has been going on in my head a lot and I can’t help assuming that this sort of thing is going on all the time. It’s been playing a major part of my life for a long time now, possibly too much because it’s rather hampered my social skills.

Some Other Problems That I Have

This next bit of the section explains a couple of other problems that I have with the second part of it consisting of some blue underlined hyperlinks that take you to Wikipedia should you want to find out more about the things mentioned in this part. It is also written with a view to help those with children on the autistic spectrum who may have similar problems.

Part 1

Whenever I’m out in town or walking down the street with someone like my Mum, I have to look down diagonally at the pavement because if I look straight ahead, I’m bound to catch sight of faces of strangers. If I catch sight of a stranger’s face, I automatically memorise his or her face without wanting to, which is one of the reasons why I worry about going out where there are people because the more it happens, the more it adds to the problem. I don’t go out to memorise faces of people who I don’t know, and those people are not that important in my life because I don’t know them at all, and I prefer to remember the people who I know and am close to, and like myself, people have got their own lives to be getting on with. It’s not that I don’t like meeting people, it’s just that there are too many people walking around who I might see and memorise without intending to, therefore it takes up too much of my head space if it happens, and I would prefer to spare my head space for the people who I know.

The reason I don’t want to memorise strangers’ faces is because my memory works like a speed camera when it comes to that, and it fills it up my brain too easily because I have a photographic memory, and the fact that once I catch sight of a person’s face, it’s unlikely I’d ever see them again, but I still remember their face. It does fade in time, but not quickly. I feel forced to think about those people rather than the people who I am close to and want to think about. I never used to have that problem when I was younger. I don’t actually know when it started. For this reason I find it harder to go out where there are people these days than I did when I was younger. I do find it easy to go out whenever I’m in the car with someone like a support worker for a drive, only I’m not the one who does the driving. I wouldn’t want to drive because when I’m out in the car with someone, as I don’t want to accidentally memorise strangers, I have to look down diagonally when I’m at places such as town centres for example, and you can’t do that if you’re driving obviously.

I don’t dislike the people whose faces I come across and memorise without wanting to as I feel that it wouldn’t be a very good reason to do so under such circumstances, and it would seem to me too much like the equivalent of disliking people before I even know them, and it’s obvious that those people haven’t done anything wrong. I don’t believe in disapproving of people before I even know them as I don’t like that sort of thing happening to me, and I worry about getting stressed each time I come across a passerby because I don’t want it to be like the equivalent of me disapproving of people before I even know them, and I don’t want to treat this anything like one way traffic as I’m not that sort of person. I also know for a fact that each passerby I come across, I know that before I come across them, they will have planned to have gone out for reasons of their own, so I do understand the logic in the nature of their purposes.

Part 2

I’m anxious every day, though it’s on different levels each day, and it’s also on and off throughout the day, and the reason I’m like that every day is because I can’t just sit still when everything seems alright because I worry about not knowing what would happen next, and I worry about relaxing in case I pick a bad time to do so in case there would be something to worry about all of a sudden. Being already worried makes me feel prepared for anything to happen. It’s also called hypervigilance which is a good way to describe how I feel as there is that constant kind of awareness in me of things that could happen that I don’t see coming, and once something happens that I don’t want to remember, I remember it vividly for a while because it’s strong in my mind. I’m constantly preoccupied with studying my environment for any possible disapproval that might come my way, which causes me to lose connection with my present moment freedom. I think it’s true that I actually suffer from hypervigilance.

Hypervigilance is an enhanced state of sensory sensitivity accompanied by an exaggerated intensity of behaviours whose purpose is to detect threats. Hyper vigilance is also accompanied by a state of increased anxiety which can cause exhaustion. Other symptoms include abnormally increased arousal, a high responsiveness to stimuli, and a constant scanning of the environment for threats.

In hypervigilance, there is a perpetual scanning of the environment to search for sights, sound, people, behaviours, smells, or anything else that is reminiscent of threat or trauma. The individual is placed on high alert in order to be certain danger is not near. Hypervigilance can lead to a variety of obsessive behaviour patterns as well as producing difficulties with social interaction and relationships.

Hypervigilance can be a symptom of post traumatic stress disorder and various types of anxiety disorder. It is distinguished from paranoia. Paranoid states, such as those in schizophrenia, can seem superficially similar, but are characteristically different.

Hypervigilance is differentiated from dysphoric hyperarousal in that the person remains cogent and aware of his or her surroundings. In dysphoric hyperarousal, the PSTD victim may lose contact with reality and re-experience the traumatic event verbatim. Where there have been multiple traumas, a person may become hypervigilant and suffer severe panic attacks intense enough to induce a delusional state where the effect of the traumas overlap: e.g. one remembered firefight may seem too much like another for the person to remain calm. This can result in the thousand-yard stare.

People suffering from hypervigilance may become preoccupied with studying their environment for possible threats, causing them to lose connection with their families and friends. They will ‘overreact’ to loud and unexpected noises or become agitated in highly crowded or noisy environments. They will often have a difficult time getting to sleep or staying asleep.

Part 3

I have a fear of disapproval which stemmed from doing something naughty as a young child that I didn’t know was naughty and getting told off for it. I can’t actually remember what it was I did that was naughty, but that’s what caused me to develop this fear of disapproval. I didn’t know that getting told off for doing naughty things was a part of growing up, and I used to think to myself that life was about doing things right all the time, which fit me into the classic approval seeking mentality. I think the reason I fear disapproval so much is because I put too much thought into it without realising, so much so that I can’t leave the house without wearing my headphones because if I hear something I don’t like, such as a parent telling a child off or a couple arguing, it hurts my ears. I automatically think that the people who are doing that would take it out on everyone which makes me feel like I’m getting their disapproval even though they don’t know me, and I memorise those things without wanting to, though things like that are nothing to do with me. Once I have one of those memories, it sticks with me, which is why I always wear my headphones whenever I’m out, though the memory does become less painful over time.

Though I know I don’t get very much disapproval at all, I feel like there is this concept of disapproval being forced at me in my mind because my mind sometimes talks to me as if I shouldn’t displease anyone at all, because of the fact that I probably put too much thought into thinking that life was about pleasing everyone. Whenever I come across a passerby in the street, I instantly assume that they’re disapproving of me when in fact it’s not true. I think this problem has been caused by my Mum getting stressed when I was a young boy and when I was at school and the teachers were raising their voices and trying to gain full control of the class. I took it all too personally because I thought that I was the reason for it, and I grew up thinking that. I realise now that it wasn’t about me, though I’m still trying to get my head around the fact of it.

In the book ‘Your Erroneous Zones’ published by Wane Dyer back in 1976, he said that he once worked with a middle-aged man called Ozzie who fit into the classic approval needing mentality. Ozzie had a set of beliefs on all controversial subjects, including abortion, birth control, war in the Middle East, Watergate, politics and everything else. Whenever he encountered scorn he came unglued. He spent a great deal of his energy in getting everyone to sanction him for everything that he said and did. He related an incident with his father-in-law, in which he stated that he firmly believed in mercy killing, and he noticed his father-in-law wrinkling his brow in censure. Instantly, almost reflexively, Ozzie modified his position… “What I meant was, if someone is conscious and actually asks to be killed, then mercy killing is okay.” He noticed his listener was in agreement and Ozzie breathed a little easier. With his boss he also declared his belief in mercy killing, but here he received a vociferous disagreement… “How can you even say such a thing? Don’t you know that’s playing God?” Ozzie could not tolerate such repudiation, he quickly shifted into a new stance… “What I meant was, only in extreme cases, when a patient is declared legally dead, then it’s all right to pull the plug”. Finally, his boss acquiesced, and Ozzie was once more off the hook. With his brother he announced his position on mercy killing and he received an instant concurrence… “Whew.” That was easy for Ozzie, he didn’t even have to change in order to get his brother to approve of him. All of these examples were provided by Ozzie as he related his normal way of interacting with others. Ozzie travelled in his social circles with no mind of his own, and his need for commendation was so strong that he constantly shifted his position in order to be liked. There was no Ozzie, only the happenstance reactions of others which determined not only how Ozzie felt, but also what he thought and said as well. Ozzie was whatever others wanted him to be.

For a while, I didn’t know how people could cope with walking down the street and not wearing headphones whilst doing it, or get disapproval and not worry too much about it, and I’ve recently come to the conclusion that it’s because sounds of arguing or parents telling their children off don’t hurt their ears as much as they do mine because they didn’t have to put up with too much of those things in their early lives, and that if teachers raised their voices at certain pupils when they were at school, they didn’t take it at all personally, therefore it didn’t make them feel that there is this constant concept of disapproval coming their way. I’m pretty sure that people who don’t wear headphones in the streets don’t have this problem where if a parent is telling their children off would take it out on everyone which would make them feel like they’re also getting that disapproval. This paragraph is a philosophical explanation of mine.

Part 4

Because I worry about what other people think of me and often think that people are disapproving of me when they’re not, it has resulted in me lacking self-love, which means that I’m not affected by approval and am only affected by disapproval. I think that people who lack self-love are not affected by approval, whereas people who do have self love are affected by approval. I also think to myself that I have to be what others want me to be, and it has made me incorporate a wishy-washy non person self image that has resulted in self-rejection.

Though I’m a very popular person and I don’t encounter much disapproval at all, in my mind, there is this constant concept of disapproval and scorn going round and round in my head every day. I often worry that people don’t find me appealing. Why? Because I don’t feel like I was worth being liked in the first place, and so the interminable cycle of renunciation is my way of reinforcing my notions of my lack of worth. This problem has come from the worry I have about loving myself because I sometimes worry that loving myself might be wrong. It has also stemmed from this idea I’ve had for a long time now that people are disapproving of me even though I’m not doing anything wrong. I often feel I don’t believe that anyone can find me appealing even though I am a very nice and good person.

If somebody tells me that I’m a wonderful person, my head contradicts with “They’re only saying that to me because they know it’s what I want to hear”. Even though I do make people happy, I’m never actually proud of myself because of this idea going round in my head every day that life is about making everybody happy and that only making some people happy is not good enough, and it’s made me lack self-pride. There are times when I think to myself that nothing can improve my self-love, as I am constantly searching for something that would, but I can never seem to find it. It takes very little to stimulate my lack of worth, but it would take an awful lot to stimulate my self-love. I feel like my self-love would improve if I was getting as much approval from a lot of people as a number of items on a big shopping list.

I know that the need for approval of another person is bad enough and that the real trouble comes with the need for approval from everyone for every act, and also that I am bound for a great deal of misery and frustration in my life if I carry around such a need. I have to keep convincing myself that it’s not possible to please everyone. I’m sure I’ll be convinced of it one day. It’s like a polite way of someone saying to me “Can’t you get it into that thick head of yours?”

I feel like I disapprove of myself too much. I know this because on Sunday the 18th of October 2015, I told my Mum that I feel like I seem to be getting disapproval from not just one or two people in conversation, but by a whole plethora of people from different social backgrounds all disapproving of me together as a community. My Mum said that I’m actually disapproving of myself too much, and I think what she said is true, and she said that I have every reason to love myself. She is obviously right, which is why I am trying to love myself as much as I possibly can.

The following day, Monday the 19th of October 2015, my Mum told me that I am empathic, meaning that I can feel other people’s emotions. That’s one of the main reasons why I find it difficult to go out sometimes because I feel I am forced to scan other people’s emotional state. I think that I pick up on other people’s emotions too easily even though they have nothing to do with me.

Also, when I’m out and coming across older people, I instantly assume that they think that all young people think that they can love themselves without pleasing anybody that the older people think they ought to please, therefore I feel that I am the subject of that misunderstanding. I think the problem is I worry that anyone who would disapprove of me would do so to the point where they actually feel I am not worthy of love.

What I should remember to do regularly is try and do my breathing exercises, and in the process, say to myself, “I am worthy of love” as I inhale, and “I’m a good person” as I exhale, only I can’t breathe in and out and say those things out loud at the same time.

Also, my Mum said to me that if I ever did love myself, there would be great joy to her, and she’d be very glad and ever so happy, so what I should know really is the fact that never loving myself in my Mum’s lifetime would be the equivalent of her never actually meeting her destiny, and I would hate that to be the case for me as I would understand how that would make me feel.

On Friday the 22nd of January 2016, I said to my Mum that me not loving myself in her lifetime is like the equivalent of me being at the end of a car race at the finish line and choosing not to cross that finish line and allowing all the other cars to catch up with me and cross it themselves without me doing so as well. My Mum said that it was a very good analogy. She also said that she thinks I’ll get there.

This Other Problem I Sometimes Have

Part 1

I sometimes have nights where I don’t sleep at all as a result of not being at all tired. The last three times it’s happened so far, I watched clips of performances on YouTube of a programme that I used to watch when I was at school called Top Of The Pops 2 when it was on regularly and when Steve Wright used to present it. Apparently, he wasn’t the original host of the programme, but he had been hosting it in the time that I used to watch it regularly. All in all, I watched a total of 50 clips on YouTube over a five hour interlude to keep myself occupied. I watched each of those 50 clips on YouTube six minutes after the other. None of them were six minutes long can I just point out.

Below the next paragraph is a list of 46 of the 50 clips that I watched on YouTube in the order below with the years representing the performances on the original Top Of The Pops. I’ve had to remove four of them from the list below because they have both been removed from YouTube. Not all of the songs below are well known, as Steve Wright himself said about the 46th one in the list in 2001, “Don’t know about you but I’ve never heard that song in my life. It’s brilliant though”. Anyone reading this can click on any one of the red links below and watch the performance of the song shown on ‘Top Of The Pops 2’, though I wouldn’t expect anyone to watch all 48 of them at once, and they can even click on any one of the blue links to find out more about the musicians on Wikipedia.

I can’t give the 41st group in the list a blue Wikipedia link because it has an apostrophe which stops me from hyper-linking it. Also, the 46th performance in the list does have subtitles being displayed for the deaf and hard of hearing, but don’t let that put you off, it’s a good clip, especially as whoever uploaded the video probably had his reasons to include the subtitles in the video. Also, the 47th and 48th clips in the list below are by the same band and were a part of the same set from 2003.

1. Mott The Hoople - The Golden Age Of Rock ‘N’ Roll = 1974

2. Joe Fagin - That’s Living Alright = 1984

3. Manic Street Preaches - You Love Us = 1992

4. Tom Robinson - War Baby = 1983

5. Mental As Anything - Live It Up = 1987

6. Blue - I’m Gonna Capture Your Heart = 1977

7. Crowded House - Weather With You = 1992

8. Dan Hill - Sometimes When We Touch = 1978

9. The Rubettes - I Can Do It = 1975

10. Orange Juice - Rip It Up = 1983

11. Spiritualized - Do It All Over Again = 2002

12. Andy Kim - Rock Me Gently = 1974

13. Squeeze - Another Nail In My Heart = 1980

14. UB40 - I Won’t Close My Eyes = 1982

15. The Cure - The Lovecats = 1983

16. Darts - Come Back My Love = 1978

17. The Mobiles - Drowning In Berlin = 1982

18. It Bites - Calling All The Heroes = 1986

19. The Skids - Into The Valley = 1979

20. Robert Palmer - Looking For Clues = 1980

21. Bobby Goldsboro - The Story Of Buck = 1976

22. Baltimora - Tarzan Boy = 1985

23. The Crusaders - Street Life = 1979

24. Rufus Thomas - Walking The Dog = 1974

25. Barclay James Harvest - Rock ‘N’ Roll Star = 1977

26. B A Robertson & Maggie Bell - Hold Me = 1981

27. Karel Fialka - The Eyes Have It = 1980

28. The Korgis - If I Had You = 1979

29. Nick Gilder - Hot Child In The City = 1978

30. Tonight - The Drummer Man = 1978

31. The Passions - I’m In Love With A German Film Star = 1981

32. The Ruts - Babylon’s Burning = 1979

33. Latin Quarter - Radio Africa = 1986

34. The Four Seasons - Silver Star = 1976

35. Kool & The Gang - Fresh = 1984

36. Whitesnake - Here I Go Again = 1982

37. Jimmy James - I’ll Go Where Your Music Takes Me = 1976

38. The Inmates - The Walk = 1979

39. Emerson, Lake & Palmer - All I Want Is You = 1978

40. Herman’s Hermits - I Can Take Or Leave Your Loving = 1968

41. Alton Edwards - I Just Wanna Spend Some Time With You = 1982

42. The Psychedelic Furs - Pretty In Pink = 1986

43. Roger Taylor - Future Management = 1981

44. The Mavericks - The Air That I Breathe = 2003

45. The Mavericks - Would You Believe = 2003

46. Strawberry Switchblade - Since Yesterday = 1985