IDEAS OF DEREK ROGERS



This section and the next one consist of eight ideas (all together and not each) that I’ve come up with, two of which are inspired by some of Ross Noble’s material which he came up with in some of his shows at short notice.



A New Name For Anxiety Or A Panic Attack


I’ve come up with a new name for a panic attack or anxiety, and this would be a new word for society to know about, and it is ‘Heartquake’. It can be a pun on the words, ‘Earthquake’ and ‘Heartbreak’ and it can be like an earthquake but an emotional one, only a heartquake wouldn’t be as bad as an earthquake because earthquakes can kill thousands of people, whereas with a heartquake, it can’t actually kill you, even though it might feel like it can. I sometimes have days where I suffer from panic attacks, or heartquakes as I would prefer to call them, and rather bad levels of anxiety. I sometimes don’t know what actually causes it, but I sometimes think it comes from having a rather difficult childhood. I actually suffer from Phobic Anxiety Disorder which could possibly relate to that. There is also another word called ‘Heartache’, and the word ‘Heartquake’ can be a third and new one for the other two words that begin with the same five letters that make up the word ‘Heart’ which are ‘Heartbreak’ and ‘Heartache’.



An Idea For A Married Couple


Imagine if there was a couple consisting of husband Ryan Air and his wife Molly Air who would be married but have no children. Imagine if Molly wanted to go on holiday abroad but Ryan didn’t like going on a plane. Also, imagine if Molly liked classical music and wanted to go to a classical music concert, and Ryan didn’t thoroughly enjoy listening to classical music and was mainly into pop music, but went with her to the classical music concert as a compromise for not going abroad on a plane. Those would be two things that Ryan and Molly Air wouldn’t have in common, but what they would have in common would be wanting to be married but have no children. Their surname would be as in the television presenter and actress Donna Air.



An Idea For An Episode Of ‘American Dad’


I’ve come up with an idea for an episode of a cartoon comedy programme called American Dad where Hayley punches her mother Francine in the face, and soon afterwards, as a punishment from her father Stan, Hayley is on roller-blades, wearing the top half of a burqa, with a motorcycle helmet on, with a top hat, naked from the waist down, technically blind, on fire, and skating down a long straight road swinging a stingray and dodging an emu. This idea is related to a sketch from Ross Noble’s Fizzy Logic DVD in which he asks the audience for suggestions for his ‘falling owl stunt’ near the end of the performance, something which apparently hadn’t been planned for the show. The stunt became a spectacular because of the suggestions that came to him from the audience.


If you want to, you can watch his owl spectacular on YouTube by clicking on the red underlined link saying Ross Noble mimes a duck falling on his head to get the full picture of what I’m talking about, though if you do want to watch that clip, just remember that it’s 15 minutes and 17 seconds long. The clip is taken from the DVD and is the last part of it. Apparently (according to Ross Noble), “roller-blading is the gayest thing you can do. You can have sex with a man and that is less gay than roller-blading. Where else can you combine action and gayness in one perfect union? The only way to get more action and gayness into one short activity is to fire Elton John out of a cannon”. He probably doesn’t remember saying that.



Derek’s Ideas For One-Liners


Though I’m nobody’s professional comedian, I’ve come up with fifteen ideas for one-liners, and here is what they are:


1. This woman who hates puzzles is feeling unhappy by this puzzle she’s receiving. It’s a Periodic table.


2. In the children’s television programme Thomas The Tank Engine, Gordon needs a special alcoholic drink to get him around the place, Gordon’s Gin. I can’t give the drink a Wikipedia entry because once again it has an apostrophe which stops me hyper linking it. If you don’t know what Gordon’s Gin is, it’s an alcoholic drink.


3. A good example of someone who doesn’t like violence is allergic to the particular assault known as head-butting. Nut allergy.


4. This team of quizzers who would take part in a pub quiz, because one of their members called Ruth can’t take part in the quiz due to illness, they would be Ruthless.


5. A good name for a group of good friends from the Czech Republic who would be known for losing at Chess would be Czech Mates.


6. There is this party involving women who are having fun but at the same are in labour and are about to give birth. Labour Party.


7. Imagine old people getting drunk, behaving badly and running their walking sticks down railings. Drunk and diselderly. Diselderly is a word I’ve made up and is a pun on the words elderly and disorderly.


8. This plane wouldn’t fly at the height its pilots want it to, and the plane refusing to fly at the ideal height is like the equivalent of someone being rude and insubordinate. It has a major altitude problem.


9. This woman has had several boyfriends all named Scott, and she has had a bad relationship with every one of them, and she’s better off being single for the time being and will eventually have a boyfriend with a different name. She’s got off Scott free.


10. This man is tormented by what he’s heard on the radio, and so he is being treated to nice music on the radio that would leave him the opposite of tormented. Radio Therapy.


11. Imagine people stronger that weight lifters lifting up shops and putting them at places where certain people want to get to them as quickly as they would like and buy whatever they want from them, and there could even be a competition to see where the best shops are lifted to the best places for the people that would go in them. Shop lifters.


12. There are a lot of people queuing up to go on the London Eye, and the queue is gradually getting bigger. It’s a Collective Eye Queue.


13. Imagine wanting to go inside a place to have drinks, but there is a code you have to get right to get into that place. Bar Code.


14. This joke is best seen written than explained to verbally, but imagine if there were men who wanted to be transvestites and dress up as women, but had to pay their licences to do so. They would be Fee males.


15. I was on holiday with my family in Deal in Kent for a week in 2015, and there was no specific target with this one, but I told a total of nine people this one-liner joke during my time there, “Either this town stays intact forever, or else it will be underwater eventually. Deal or no Deal”. For those of you who live in Deal in Kent and are reading this bit, you might enjoy that joke, though you will need to have heard of the programme Deal Or No Deal to get the full idea of it, in which case, you can click on the blue link in this paragraph mentioning its name and find out about it on Wikipedia if you haven’t heard of it.



Look At Me In The Eye Smith


I’ve come up with a story called ‘Look At Me In The Eye Smith’ where the Disney characters from children’s fairy stories reveal that their names are not what their loved ones think they are, and that their names are actually ‘Look At Me In The Eye Smith’. It also features five songs of my own choice because they’re songs I love listening to, though I wouldn’t listen to them excessively.


The story is inspired by a sketch in Blackadder 2 where Lord Melchett says to the Queen, “Madam, I bring grave intelligence of your former favourite Lord Blackadder”, and the Queen says, “Oh good”, and Lord Melchett says, “It appears he wishes to marry a girl called Bob”, and the Queen says, “That’s a very odd name for a girl isn’t it? Girls are normally called Elizabeth, or Mary”, and Nursie butts in and says, “And Donald”, and the Queen says, “Mouth is open, Nursie: should be shut”, and Nursie said, “But it’s true, sweet one. I had three sisters and they were called Donald, Eric and Basil”, and the Queen said, “Then why’s your name Nursie?” And Nursie said, “That ain’t my real name”, and the Queen said, “Isn’t it?” And Nursie said, “No”, and the Queen said, “What’s your real name then?” And Nursie said, “Bernard”, and the Queen said, “It suits you actually”. What’s funny about that sketch is at the end of it, the Queen is jealous of Edmund getting married to Bob, and she said, “Everyone seems to get married, except me”, and Nursie said, “And me ma’am”, and the Queen said, “Oh, shut up Bernard”.


The story called ‘Look At Me In The Eye Smith’ is inspired by what a platoon commander said to a recruit called Private Smith who kicked off in gymnastics in the Officer Class series of ‘Bad Lads Army’ from 2005, and the sentence “Look at me in the eye Smith” has just stuck in my head ever since I saw that episode and I started work on this idea for the story called ‘Look At Me In The Eye Smith’ on Wednesday the 4th of February 2015. I had finished it shortly afterwards, though not on that same day. You can watch the clip on YouTube called Bad Lads Army: Private Smith & His Beasting where you can watch a clip of ‘Bad Lads Army: Officer Class’ where the platoon commander says to Private Smith, “Look at me in the eye Smith!” All you have to do is click on the red link above, that’s if you want to though. The clip is five minutes long, though it isn’t all about that, because like I say, it’s about Private Smith kicking off in gymnastics, for which he is given a physical punishment, known in the army as beasting, though I know it’s in no relation to the story. You also have to not be intolerant of too much swearing if you do want to watch that YouTube clip.



The Story


This story is divided into five parts, and it uses characters from the children’s fairy stories, Beauty & The Beast, Aladdin, Snow White & The Seven Dwarfs, Cinderella, and The Little Mermaid. There are red YouTube links to the songs that get mentioned in the story, as well as blue Wikipedia links to the groups and Disney characters that also get mentioned in it. The songs that are mentioned in this story sound exactly the same as in this world.


(1) The Prince who was his human form revived from the Beast was with Belle in a pub called ‘The Beast & Princess’, and they were both drinking diet coke with a straw. The Prince said to Belle, “I don’t know what I would do without you Belle, you’re the kind of girl I want to spend the rest of my life with”, and Belle said to him, “Belle isn’t my real name”, and the Prince said, “Isn’t it?” And Belle said, “No”, and the Prince said, “What’s your real name then?” And Belle gave him her real name by saying, “Look At Me In The Eye Smith”, much to the Prince’s major surprise, and the fact that he thought the name Belle would suit her better. Later that evening, they were in a sensory room which was one of the rooms in the pub, and the Prince was holding ‘Look At Me In The Eye Smith’ in his arms whose name he thought was Belle, and they were listening to the Steely Dan song Reelin’ In The Years.


(2) Aladdin was with Princess Jasmine in a pub called ‘The Carpet & Palace’, and they were both drinking fizzy orange with a straw. Aladdin said to Jasmine, “You’re the girl I love more than any other girl in the world Jasmine, and loving you keeps me satisfied. I also want to hold your hand”, and Jasmine said to him, “Jasmine isn’t my real name”, and Aladdin said, “Isn’t it?” And Jasmine said, “No”, and Aladdin said, “What’s your real name then?” And Jasmine gave him her real name by saying, “Look At Me In The Eye Smith”, much to Aladdin’s major surprise, and the fact that he thought the name Jasmine would suit her better. Later that evening, they were in a sensory room which was one of the rooms in the pub, and Aladdin was holding ‘Look At Me In The Eye Smith’ in his arms whose name he thought was Jasmine, and they were listening to the Journey song Any Way You Want It.


(3) The Prince who kissed Snow White and broke the spell and took her back to his castle was with Snow White in a pub called ‘The Castle & Dwarf’ and they were both drinking lemonade with a straw. The Prince said to Snow White, “I love you more than anyone else in the world Snow White, we have a place in each other’s hearts”, and Show White said to him, “Snow White isn’t my real name”, and the Prince said, “Isn’t it?” And Snow White said, “No”, and the Prince said, “What’s your real name then?” And Snow white gave him her real name by saying, “Look At Me In The Eye Smith”, much to the Prince’s major surprise, and the fact that he thought the name Snow White would suit her better. Later that evening, they were in a sensory room which was one of the rooms in the pub, and the Prince was holding ‘Look At Me In The Eye Smith’ in his arms whose name he thought was Snow White, and they were listening to a song by The Alan Parsons Project called Games People Play.


(4) Prince Charming was with Cinderella in a pub called ‘The Shoe & Ball’ and they were both drinking lemon coke with a straw, and Prince Charming said to Cinderella, “When I look into your eyes Cinderella, it makes me want to kiss you on the lips”, and Cinderella said, “Cinderella’s not my real name”, and Prince Charming said, “Isn’t it?” And Cinderella said, “No”, and Prince Charming said, “What’s your real name then?” And Cinderella gave him her real name by saying, “Look At Me In The Eye Smith”, much to Prince Charming’s major surprise, and the fact that he thought the name Cinderella would suit her better. Later that evening, they were in a sensory room which was one of the rooms in the pub, and Prince Charming was holding ‘Look At Me In The Eye Smith’ in his arms whose name he thought was Cinderella, and they were listening to the Lindisfarne song Lady Eleanor.


(5) And lastly, Prince Eric was with Princess Ariel in a pub called ‘The Mermaid & Lighthouse’ and they were both drinking Cherry coke with a straw. Eric said to Ariel, “I love holding your hand Ariel because when I hold you hand, I feel happy inside”, and Ariel said to him, “Ariel isn’t my real name”, and Eric said, “Isn’t It?” And Ariel said, “No”, and Eric said, “What’s your real name then?” And Ariel gave him her real name by saying, “Look At Me In The Eye Smith”, much to Eric’s major surprise, and the fact that he thought the name Ariel would suit her better. Later that evening, they were in a sensory room which was one of the rooms in the pub, and Eric was holding ‘Look At Me In The Eye Smith’ in his arms whose name he thought was Ariel, and they were listening to the Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers song Learning To Fly.



An Idea For A New ‘Life After Death’ Theory


I have also come up with a new ‘life after death’ theory where all the bad people in the world who have ever lived go to Hell, but rather than having terrible things happen to them there, they have voices. Just after they die, they are on the stair lift to Heaven, and about half way up the stair lift, it turns into a slide at the very point where God makes them turn nice and makes their voices kick in, and they slide back down the stair lift, and they go down to Hell. They are then forced to hear about all the good people in the world taking about all the terrible things they had done in their lifetimes.


After enough time of experiencing guilt and shame, and when all the terrible things they had done in the time they had been alive are no longer big news, each one of them are transferred to each infinite paradise that God and the Devil feel suit them, and on the way to that paradise, they are transformed into an appearance as if no one on Earth would recognise them, and they are young and good looking, and also, their voices go away completely on the way. Also, the infinite population of that paradise don’t know anything about what they had done, and are just infinitely happy to have them as part of their paradise forever, and that they are the King or Queen of that paradise forever.


They would be the paradises for the former bad people who are unqualified for the proper Heaven such as Adolf Hitler, Osama bin Laden, Saddam Hussein, and Jimmy Savile, and that the proper Heaven is for all the good people in the world who have ever lived. Jimmy Savile would obviously be one of the most recent examples of what is mentioned in the previous two paragraphs, and because the Jimmy Savile sexual abuse scandal is no longer a big deal these days, he’d now be in his infinite paradise that God and the devil feel suits him as well has having been transformed into a handsome young man and no longer having voices, and everyone in the world has put him behind them as he has put the whole world behind him. And so every single person in the world has a happy ending whether they have been good or bad in their lifetimes.



An Idea For Some New Real Numbers



Part 1


I’ve also come up with ideas for some new real numbers, but first, as an introduction to what they are, and this is copied from a website, here is a list of numbers and the number of zeros they have:


Ten = 10 (1 zero)

Hundred = 100 (2 zeros)

Thousand = 1,000 (3 zeros)

Ten Thousand = 10,000 (4 zeros)

Hundred Thousand = 100,000 (5 zeros)

Million = 1,000,000 (6 zeros)

Billion = 1,000,000,000 (9 zeros)

Trillion = 1,000,000,000,000 (12 zeros)

Quadrillion = 1,000,000,000,000,000 (15 zeros)

Quintillion = 1,000,000,000,000,000,000 (18 zeros)

Sextillion = 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 (21 zeros)

Septillion = 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 (24 zeros)

Octillion = 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 (27 zeros)

Nonillion = 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 (30 zeros)

Decillion = 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 (33 zeros)


This next bit is copied from the same website, and it starts to get crazy here (although the prefixes for the numbers make sense)…


Undecillion = 36

Duodecillion = 39

Tredecillion = 42

Quatturodecillion = 45

Quindecillion = 48

Sexdecillion = 51

Septendecillion = 54

Octodecillion = 57

Novemdecillion = 60

Vigintillion = 63

Centillion = 100


Well anyway, the first new number that I have come up with is ‘Bicentillion’ which can have 200 zeros in it. You know how centenary means 100 years and bicentenary means 200 years, well it can be in similar vein. The second new number that I have come up with is ‘Tricentillion’ which can have 300 zeros in it. I don’t know whether ‘Tricentenary’ is an existing word or not, but if it isn’t, then it can be a new one and can mean 300 years.



Part 2


And now, here is a list of ten more numbers I have made up, although the first one in the list below is already an existing number:


1. Googolplex aka Googolplex 1 = A 1 followed by a googol of zeros

2. Googolplex 2 = A 1 followed by a googolplex aka googolplex 1 of zeros

3. Googolplex 3 = A 1 followed by a googolplex 2 of zeros

4. Googolplex 4 = A 1 followed by a googolplex 3 of zeros

5. Googolplex 5 = A 1 followed by a googolplex 4 of zeros

6. Googolplex 6 = A 1 followed by a googolplex 5 of zeros

7. Googolplex 7 = A 1 followed by a googolplex 6 of zeros

8. Googolplex 8 = A 1 followed by a googolplex 7 of zeros

9. Googolplex 9 = A 1 followed by a googolplex 8 of zeros

10. Googolplex 10 = A 1 followed by a googolplex 9 of zeros


I thought Googolplex 10 would be a nice neat one to end the list with, though it would go on forever. Although the last nine new numbers in the list above would obviously be bigger than the number googolplex, I don’t know whether or not there are already existing numbers bigger than that. I didn’t know who Milton Sirotta was until I heard about the numbers googol and googolplex. I would never say that I’m a better person than Milton because of the new numbers I have come up with in the list above I just know that there is always someone faster tomorrow than today. At least that’s what Steve Hackett the former Genesis guitarist said in an interview in 2012. I’ve always been good at maths and with numbers, even when I was at school.



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