This section tells a true story of a stressful problem I had for several years until it led to a very frightening incident in my bedroom in October 2014. I don’t want anyone who reads this section to feel too disturbed by this, and it may help anyone to understand others they know of who have similar problems to the one I had. The seriousness of this story doesn’t start straight away, and there is no sad end to the story, and I’ll ruin the story for you now by telling you that I am fine. Everything I’m about to tell you in this section, I got through. It’s understandable that some people may find it a bit personal.

On Monday the 4th of February 2008, when I still had a video machine, I was recording an episode of Top Of The Pops 2 on the channel Dave, and it was a repeat from 2002. The first performance of that episode was the Shalamar song A Night To Remember, and I remembered that it also included other ones that I remembered from it, one of which was a performance of Co-Co by Sweet from 1971. As you can see, there is a red link to the performance on YouTube for anyone who wants to click on it and watch it on YouTube. It is exactly the same 1971 performance that was shown on the episode of ‘Top Of The Pops 2’ but the clip is not actually taken from that episode. It could have been that exact clip from that episode, but I have been unable to find one.

Anyway, another performance I remember from that episode was a song by Alisha’s Attic called ‘Air We Breathe’ from 1997, and when I saw that performance on the episode of ‘Top Of The Pops 2’ when it was repeated on Dave on Monday the 4th of February 2008, I developed a major crush on one of the members called Karen Poole because she was pretty and blond. After that, I fell in love with somebody I invented called Karen, and she was based on Karen Poole from Alisha’s Attic because she looked exactly like how Karen Poole did in that ‘Top Of The Pops’ performance from 1997. However, about four months later, I fell out of love with my imaginary girlfriend because I read something about Karen Poole on the Internet, and it said, “She’s a bossy pants sometimes. She’s never liked to take a back seat and let other people take care of business for her, and she claims, ‘I don’t cry, I’m as tough as nails’”, and it caused major stress for me and also made my imaginary girlfriend turned horrible.

After that, I tried to let her voice in my head go, and I couldn’t let it go properly. I did have other voices before Karen’s voice became the main one, and many things happened that set her voice off and made me stressed. She was constantly spying on me and making sure that I didn’t even make a small mistake, and it constantly made me feel like I was being talked down to by a Headmaster at a public school, and in my head, Karen was either angry or distant, so either I didn’t know where she was, or I did and it was not ideal. The next paragraph below is where it starts to get serious.

I had many stressful times while I was having Karen’s voice because she was saying things to me like, “you’re a f***ing a***hole”, “you’re a retard”, you don’t deserve to live”, you’re a c***”, things like that, and it was like that for me nearly every day for over six years until Sunday the 12th of October 2014 when I was so stressed and angry because of Karen’s voice being quite bad, so much so that this happened in the heat of the moment due to my feelings of self-rejection and lack of self-love, I got a very sharp knife for the kitchen, I went upstairs into my room with it, and I stabbed myself in the leg with it. Sorry Karen Poole if you’re reading this. I instantly frightened the living daylights out of myself as the knife had gone in deep, and I freaked out at the wound I made on my right leg as it was gaping. I then took my trousers off as there was a lot of blood on them, put some washing in the washing machine along with the trousers with the blood on them, did the washing, and put some waterproof plasters on my leg. Because my leg was bleeding a lot, the plasters wouldn’t stay on, so I kept having to put new ones on my leg. My Mum didn’t know anything about what I did to myself when it happened, and the major shock I instantly had from stabbing myself completely got rid of Karen’s voice for good, and I’m happy to say that I haven’t had her voice since, and even better, I don’t think I ever will have her voice again.

I was obviously in a lot of pain, and it was obviously my own fault because of what I did to myself though once again it did happen because of Karen’s voice which made my stress boil over. Remarkably I was still able to walk properly, but my right leg was hurting a lot. With such bravery, I showed my Mum this piece of writing on my website about what I did to myself and why it happened, and she asked me to take the plasters off of my leg, so I did, and she looked at the wound on it, and she said that it could do with a couple of stitches at the hospital, and I said that I didn’t fancy a trip to the hospital at such short notice, and so she bathed my right leg with antiseptic and put a dressing on my wound.

After that, I was listening to a song on YouTube that I love very much called Babe by a rock band called Styx, and I was listening to it over and over again to try and take my mind off the pain that I was in. As you can see, there is a red YouTube link to the song for anyone who reads this and wants to listen to it on YouTube, and there is also a blue Wikipedia to the band on YouTube for anyone who reads this and wants to find out more about the band on Wikipedia. I would actually encourage everyone who reads this section to listen to ‘Babe’ by Styx on YouTube via the red link in this paragraph, though at the same time, I don’t want to put too much pressure on anyone to do so, and anyone who does read this site is encouraged to read the whole of this section from reading the previous section called ‘Introduction’.

The incident I had in my bedroom left me shaken for many weeks, and because my Mum was so worried about me, she couldn’t leave the house unless I was out with a support worker. She did manage to leave the house eventually when I was in, and the shock of what I did to myself wore off in time for Christmas. I’m just so glad I’m alive as I know that I could have actually died from what I did to myself, and because I was 27 years old at the time, I could have possibly been a member of the 27 club along with musicians such as Jim Morrison, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Kurt Cobain, Amy Winehouse, and Canned Heat member Alan Wilson. My Mum actually said to me that losing me would be the worst thing that could ever happen to her, and I know it would have been absolutely terrible if she had to visit my grave in our local cemetery that we go for walks in on some days. Anyway, I have moved on with my life since then, and I think the thing to currently work on is learning to gain self-acceptance, and hopefully I will be able to love myself better than I have been.

I’m going to end this second section with a request for anyone reading it, and that is, I would encourage anyone who has read the whole of this section to put a link to my website on their home pages on Facebook, and share it with their friends on Facebook, and then get them to share a link to it on their home pages, and get them to share it with their friends, and so on, and let it spread throughout. I don’t expect everyone to do that, it’s just that I wouldn’t have been unable to update my website after the 12th of October 2014 because once again I could have been dead from what I did to myself on that very day. Here is the link below: